


How to lose a life

by madamteatime



Category: Dong Bang Shin Ki
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-23
Updated: 2013-01-23
Packaged: 2017-11-27 02:28:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/657055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamteatime/pseuds/madamteatime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Changmin gets diagnosed with a life-threatening disease, but the grief is only half his.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to lose a life

They say grief happens in five stages.  
  
The sixth is re-learning how to live afterwards.  
  
\- - -  
  
“I’m so sorry Mr Shim, but it appears that you have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.”  
  
“What?”  
  
Changmin stares at his doctor like the man’s just sprouted two heads, which as far as Changmin’s concerned would actually be preferable to what he’s saying. The doctor gives him a sympathetic look and consults his chart again.  
  
“It’s a rare genetic disorder that causes a thickening in the heart walls and can lead to heart failure. It can manifest at any age, and with the stage you’re at – if you don’t get a transplant within the next six months I’m afraid you will die.”  
  
Changmin can’t register what he’s saying.  
  
“I’m  _dying?_ ” he splutters. “How can I be dying? I’m only twenty five!”  
  
“Like I said, the disease can manifest at any age – ”  
  
“No. No. This isn’t how this was supposed to go. This was just a regular check-up because I’ve been feeling a little under the weather lately. You were supposed to do all your tests and then come back and tell me all is fine, well done Mr Shim, you’re an incredible specimen of a human being – ”  
  
The doctor’s lips twitch briefly before he grows serious again. He puts his chart down and places his hand over Changmin’s.  
  
“You’re lucky we caught it at all. I assure you I will do everything within my power to make sure you get that transplant.”  
  
Changmin just stares at him. He doesn’t know what to think. He feels disconnected, betrayed by his own body.  
  
“And what do I do in the meantime?” he asks, for lack of anything better to say. His doctor sighs and withdraws his hand.  
  
“Right now? I think you should go home, tell your loved ones, and then come back next week so we can discuss your treatment options.”  
  
Changmin decides not to tell anyone. His doctor is obviously a quack – how can he have a life-threatening disease when he’s feeling perfectly fine? Sure he gets tired quicker than usual lately, but then again stamina has never been his strong suit. He goes on with his life like nothing is wrong, and for the first couple of weeks it works. His mood is a bit worse than usual but he puts it down to stress and a strange lack of appetite. He manages to hide it from most people – but there’s one person he can’t hide from, one person who notices everything about him whether Changmin likes it or not.  
  
“What’s up Changminnie,” Yunho flops down beside him and stretches out across the sofa. Changmin doesn’t even bother looking up from his book.  
  
“Nothing,” he says dully.  
  
“Did you already have lunch?” Yunho asks.  
  
“I’m not hungry.”  
  
There’s a pause, then Yunho’s face appears over the top of Changmin’s book.  
  
“You’re not hungry,” he repeats.  
  
“That’s what I said.”  
  
“You are never not hungry. Are you feeling okay? The last time you told me you weren’t hungry you had the flu and were running a fever. Are you running a fever right now?”  
  
Yunho gets all up in his space and sticks a hand on his forehead, face furrowed with concern and god, he’s so annoying Changmin wants to kick him.  
  
“Get off me,” Changmin shoves him away and Yunho falls back with a surprised sound. Never one to be deterred easily though, he’s back seconds later and tugging on Changmin’s sleeve.  
  
“What’s wrong? Talk to me!”  
  
“Will you piss off?” Changmin growls.  
  
“No I will not piss off. You’ve been acting weird for weeks now and I thought if I left you alone it’d blow over like normal but clearly it hasn’t so tell me what it is so I can fix it.”  
  
“You can’t fix everything,” Changmin mumbles.  
  
“Yes I can. Is it girl problems? Is someone bugging you? Because I will give them some attitude.”  
  
Changmin snorts at the idea of Yunho giving anyone attitude.  
  
“It’s nothing okay? Just drop it.” He brushes Yunho off and gets to his feet.  
  
“Is it family problems? Did you have a fight with Kyuhyun? Is it me?” Yunho’s eyes widen. “Oh my god, are you mad at me for something I don’t even know I did? I’m so sorry Changminnie –”  
  
Changmin can’t stay silent anymore. “I’m sick, you idiot!” he bursts out.  
  
“I knew it!” Yunho crows. “What is it? The flu? I’ll get manager to buy us some meds – ”  
  
“I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.”  
  
Yunho pauses in mid-sentence, completely bewildered.  
  
“What? What the hell kind of a flu is that?” he asks, and Changmin swallows down a hysterical laugh.  
  
“It’s not the flu. It’s a genetic heart condition. The doctor gave me six months.”  
  
“ _What?_ ” Yunho gets to his feet and takes hold of Changmin’s shoulders. “Is this a joke? You have to be joking.”  
  
“I’m dying,” Changmin says, looking past Yunho’s shoulder at some random point on the wall. He can’t meet his eye; the whole scene feels distant, like it’s happening to someone else. “I’m dying Yunho.”  
  
“Stop it, it’s not funny. Why are you saying that? Don’t say things like that.” Yunho shakes him and Changmin lets him, completely limp in his grasp.  
  
“The doctor gave me six months,” he repeats.  
  
“Changmin?”  
  
Changmin meets Yunho’s eyes, and it’s the confusion and fear he sees there that finally breaks him. Yunho isn’t afraid of anything, but at that moment he looks so terrified Changmin finds tears welling in his eyes. He sinks to the floor and covers his face and Yunho sinks down beside him and holds him as Changmin cries, too scared and shocked to do anything else.  
  
“Changmin. Changmin, what’s going on?” Yunho asks frantically. Changmin tells him the whole story in between hiccupping sobs, how he had gone for a regular checkup and the doctor had given him the news, how he hadn’t believed him at first but that he was now realizing he  _was_  sick, sick in a way that was only going to get much, much worse. Yunho listens to him in silence and then he holds Changmin until he cries himself to sleep, though he’s the only one who sleeps that night.  
  
Over the next few days Changmin finds his denial morphing into rage, rage that he channels into their performances and schedules and ignores the increasing signs that he is not well. Yunho tries to tell him to rest and focus on himself but Changmin’s temper is so short lately that he dares not tell him too often. Changmin hates the way Yunho looks at him now, like he’s a ticking time bomb, like he needs to be coddled and taken care of. Yunho wants to tell everyone; Changmin doesn’t want to tell anyone at all, not even his own family. They have short, hissed arguments in public and loud, drawn-out fights in private that always end with Yunho backing down, because in the end it’s Changmin’s life in the balance and his decision to involve anyone else. Changmin has always been an intensely private person, and his propensity to internalize his troubles means that for a while he regrets telling even Yunho.  
  
But as the weeks go on and he grows weaker and weaker Changmin finds that he no longer has the energy even for anger. Time slips through his fingers like sand, and Changmin tries desperately to race against it. If he pretends all is fine then maybe it will be, maybe he’ll have a little bit longer. He finds himself praying to every God he can think of for mercy, to spare him just a little longer. He pushes himself like his body can still take it, but he can’t pretend anymore the night he collapses on stage, right in front of thousands of fans. Yunho catches him before he can hit the floor, and they carry him away amidst screams of shock and fear.  
  
After that they can’t hide it anymore. His fans are distraught, his friends in shocked disbelief. Changmin tells his parents last and Yunho goes with him and holds his hand under the table as his mother cries and his father sits there in shocked silence. Changmin can’t handle the outpouring of emotion – he gets up and leaves the room, only to run into his youngest sister in the hallway. She stares at him with wide eyes, so like his own, lower lip trembling like she’s five again and he’s just said something mean to her and he knows she’s heard everything. Changmin sighs.  
  
“Jiyeon-ah. . .” he starts, but then he doesn’t know what else to say so she puts her arms around him and just holds him.  
  
“Stay here tonight, okay?” she says quietly. Changmin hugs her closer.  
  
“Okay,” he whispers.  
  
The drawing room door opens to admit Yunho, who hesitates on the threshold.  
  
“I should go,” he starts, but both Jiyeon and Changmin’s hands shoot out to grip him and twin brown eyes stare at him and after that he doesn’t mention leaving again.  
  
Later, when they’ve calmed Changmin’s mother down long enough to give her some sleeping pills and put her to bed, they sit down with his dad to discuss his treatment in detail. With his parents involved Changmin will finally be forced to give himself the care he should have been getting all along, though he resists the suggestions to check himself into a private hospital.  
  
“I’m not ready yet,” Changmin whispers into the darkness of his room later on, turning to face Yunho, who’s lying wide awake beside him. He had offered to take the couch, but Changmin told him to shut up and just share with him. Yunho rolls over to gaze at him.  
  
“Is anyone ever?” he asks quietly. Changmin sighs and turns away.  
  
“I’m scared hyung,” he says after a while, and Yunho believes him because Changmin really only calls him hyung these days when he’s feeling especially affectionate or vulnerable. He shuffles closer and slides an arm around his waist, curling Changmin’s frame against his body.  
  
“I’m here,” Yunho says simply, and Changmin falls asleep with a small smile on his face.  
  
The relief of finally telling his family fades quickly to leave crippling despair behind. Changmin withdraws from everyone and locks himself in his house, spending days on end simply lying in bed and staring at the ceiling as the reality of his own mortality washes over him. There’s so much he still wants to do, so much he’ll never know. It all feels fruitless now, everything he had worked so hard for inconsequential. He should have done something more worthwhile with his life – gotten married, had children, grown old with Yunho. Changmin curls up under his covers and lets silent tears stain his pillows. He tries to imagine an old Yunho, with wrinkles and white hair, and instead of laughing it just makes him cry harder because he can’t imagine an old version of himself beside him.  
  
As though his thoughts had conjured him, the door opens to reveal Yunho. He tosses his spare keys to Changmin’s house on the dresser and goes into the bathroom. There’s the sound of running water, then he comes back into the room and yanks the covers off Changmin, who squawks in protest and curls up.  
  
“Enough,” Yunho says, descending on him. “You’ve been wallowing in self-pity long enough and I won’t stand for it anymore. What about everyone who cares about you? Kyuhyun’s going crazy, have you even returned his calls? You’re being very selfish.” He starts tugging on Changmin’s clothes and Changmin yelps as cold hands touch his skin.  
  
“Ya, get off me!” he writhes as Yunho yanks his shirt off and gets to work on his pajama pants. “Oi! Stop! Rape!” Changmin cries.  
  
“Stop squirming,” Yunho grunts. He strips Changmin of the rest of his clothes and picks him up. Changmin’s lost so much weight it isn’t even a struggle to carry him to the bathroom and lower him into the tub, full to the brim with hot water and bubbles. Changmin stops struggling and looks up at Yunho questioningly.  
  
“You stink,” Yunho deadpans, and Changmin blushes. He sinks lower in the tub until the water closes over his head before surfacing with a gasp. Yunho sits on the edge of the tub and watches Changmin splash around in the water for a bit before he catches his eye again.  
  
“Better?” Yunho asks.  
  
“I guess,” Changmin mumbles. He heaps some foam together in his hand and blows it in Yunho’s direction. Some of it lands on Yunho’s nose and he jerks back in surprise. Changmin smiles. “Thanks,” he says as Yunho wriggles his nose. The older man sighs.  
  
“Look, everyone just wants to be there for you. You can’t cut yourself off, that’s not fair to the rest of us.”  
  
“I don’t know how to deal with it,” Changmin says. “I don’t know what to say to them. I don’t want their pity or their anger or whatever the hell else they’re feeling. I can just barely deal with my own emotions let alone everyone else’s.”  
  
Yunho’s expression softens. “I know baby. But you have to at least try. People need closure.”  
  
Changmin is silent for a long time, mulling that over.  
  
“. . .Did you just call me  _baby_?” he asks eventually. Yunho grins.  
  
“Well you are a baby.” Changmin scowls and his grin widens. “A big fat baby who needs me to hold your hand every step of the way.”  
  
“Oh yeah?”  
  
Changmin reaches over and yanks Yunho into the bath with him.  
  
Despite his gruff methods Yunho’s intervention does the trick. At long last Changmin comes to terms with the reality of his own death. He opens himself up to the comforts his family and friends are aching to provide. They have all the money in the world for the treatment he needs – but money can’t buy Changmin time, and when he starts having trouble doing simple tasks without losing consciousness he knows it’s time to give in and admit himself to the hospital. They give him a lavish private room on the ground floor and his own nurse, but none of the extra care can change the fact that they’ve failed to find him a matching transplant, and that now he really will die.  
  
Changmin wakes a month later in the darkness of his hospital room, the silence broken by the steady beep of his heart monitor. He turns his head and sees Yunho asleep in the chair beside him. His body feels weak with pain and disuse, and he swallows down a sudden surge of panic by taking a few deep breathes. Changmin coughs and licks dry lips.  
  
“Hyung. . .” he whispers. Yunho jerks awake and is at his side immediately.  
  
“What is it? I’m here, tell me,” he rasps, still half-asleep.  
  
“Thirsty,” Changmin says. Yunho leaves and brings him a cup of ice chips and Changmin sucks on them until they’re all gone and he can feel his throat again. He sits up and takes a deep breath.  
  
“Hyung,” he says quietly. “Get me out of here.”  
  
Yunho stares at him.  
  
“What? I can’t. You’re too weak – we can’t take you off the monitors – ”  
  
“I don’t care,” Changmin grits his teeth. “I don’t want to die in here. I want to die with the wind on my face.”  
  
“So I’ll open the window,” Yunho says. Changmin almost laughs, but squirming out of bed is taking up all his energy.  
  
“No,” he says. “No, I want to get out of here.” He reaches over and turns off the machines, then starts yanking off the tubes and needles stuck in him. Yunho panics.  
  
“Stop, stop, what’re you doing?” he flaps his hands frantically as Changmin struggles to his feet. Changmin ignores him.  
  
“We’ll take the I.V with us since I’ll probably pass out without it,” he says, clutching the stand the fluid bag is hanging on. Yunho groans.  
  
“Are you crazy? You’re going to get yourself killed!” he moans. Changmin gives a hollow laugh.  
  
“I think that’s going to happen anyway,” he says. Yunho’s face crumples.  
  
“Changmin-ah, please . . .” he whispers. Changmin goes to him and cups his face with one hand.  
  
“Do this one last thing for me and I promise I’ll never ask anything of you again.”  
  
Yunho closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. When he opens them there are tears in them, but there’s also determination.  
  
“Okay. But we’re going to have a real job sneaking past your nurse.”  
  
Changmin grins.  
  
Yunho helps him change out of his hospital gown and glances around the door to check the hallway.  
  
“The coast is clear. Come on . . .” He steps out into the hallway and Changmin follows, one hand clutching his I.V stand. They’re almost at the corner when they hear footsteps, and Changmin yanks them into an empty room before Yunho can react. They watch Changmin’s nurse walk past and Yunho groans softly.  
  
“Oh no, what if they blame her when they find you gone?”  
  
“Shut up, she’ll hear you!” Changmin whispers, covering Yunho’s mouth with his hand. Yunho bites him and he pulls away with a yelp. “OW, you fuck – ”  
  
“Changmin?”  
  
At the other end of the hallway his nurse pauses at the door to his room.  
  
“Run!” Yunho grabs Changmin and they make a run for it. The wheels of the I.V stand makes too much noise as they race for the door so Yunho picks it up and half-carries Changmin the rest of the way. They burst out of the hospital into the cool midnight air and Changmin collapses onto the steps, struggling to breathe.  
  
“Oh god! This was such a bad idea, oh my god Changminnie – ” Yunho hovers over him like a worried mother hen until Changmin gathers enough breath to push him away.  
  
“Go bring . . . your car around . . . you big pussy,” he manages.  
  
“Well at least you can still insult me,” Yunho sighs. He puts the stand down and leaves to get his car, in which time Changmin manages to get to his feet again. His lungs burn and his stupid, useless heart struggles to complete each beat, but at least he’s outside and that makes it worth it. They unhook the I.V and load the stand into the boot and then they’re tearing away from the hospital. Changmin smiles and clutches the bag of I.V fluid to his chest as Yunho swears.  
  
“We are going to be in so much trouble. Do you know it’s illegal to remove a terminal patient from the hospital? You’ve turned me into a criminal!” Yunho frets.  
  
But Changmin just throws his head back and laughs and laughs, before getting cut off by a coughing fit. But he continues to giggle happily afterwards, almost glowing with glee at their daring escapade, and that shuts Yunho up. He shakes his head in exasperation, but a smile tugs at his lips.  
  
“So where to?” he asks as they speed down a highway.  
  
“Somewhere high up, like a hill or something. I want to see the sunrise,” Changmin says. Yunho bites his lip.  
  
“Changmin . . .” he starts, and Changmin knows what he’s thinking – there’s a good chance he may not survive the night long enough for that. He grits his teeth.  
  
“I want to see the fucking sunrise,” he repeats. Yunho sighs and glances at him.  
  
“Fine. But we’ll need a few things first.”  
  
Fifteen minutes later they pull into the parking lot of Yunho’s apartment and he kills the engine.  
  
“Stay here, I’ll be right back,” Yunho says. Changmin smiles at him.  
  
“Trust me I’m not going anywhere,” he says. His cheeks are hollowed and he’s lost so much weight he’s a mere shadow of himself, but those big brown eyes are as bright and trusting as ever. Yunho reaches over and ruffles his hair, swallowing down the constriction in his heart as he slips out of the car.  
  
He grabs every blanket and rug he can find, then packs snacks and a thermos of tea just in case. His phone buzzes with a message and Yunho hesitates over it before typing out a quick text to Jiyeon.  
  
「Changmin with me. He needed to get away for a while. Tell all not to worry. 」  
  
When he gets back down to the car Changmin is dozing in his seat, the bag of I.V fluid clutched in his arms like a soft toy. Yunho’s phone buzzes, no doubt with angry texts and phone calls for him to return Changmin to the hospital at once. He turns it off and tosses it in the back seat.  
  
Night closes in around them like a blanket. Yunho drives, casting occasional glances at Changmin’s sleeping face just because he looks so peaceful and not, he tells himself, to make sure that he’s still breathing. He drives until they’ve left Seoul behind and the countryside spreads out before them. Yunho makes a right onto a rocky dirt road and Changmin wakes as the car bumps along. He rubs his eyes and sits up.  
  
“Where are we?” he mumbles.  
  
“I’m not sure, but I spotted a hilly area from the highway. You wanted to be somewhere high up, right?”  
  
Changmin smiles and nods, staring out into the darkness curiously. Yunho stops his car at the base of a mound and gets out to look around. The area is dark and deserted, the street lights having been left behind when he turned off the road. He turns the car’s high beam on so that it floods the field with light. A single tree stands at the top of the hill, the area beneath it soft with grass and dirt.  
  
“What do you think?” Yunho asks. Changmin unfolds himself from the car and stands carefully.  
  
“It’s perfect,” he says happily.  
  
“You’re so cute,” Yunho tells him, unable to resist pinching his cheek. Changmin scowls.  
  
“Quiet, manservant. Go lay out blankets and whatnot and carry me up there,” he orders.  
  
Yunho rolls his eyes. “Sure thing your highness,” he drawls, but he does as Changmin says. The top of the hill provides a sweeping view of Seoul’s glittering lights, and the tree makes a perfect backrest to lean against. Its trunk is smooth and worn with age. It’s not a cold night but a chilly breeze blows the higher up they get, so Yunho bundles Changmin up in all the blankets from his house, then throws one last rug over both of them and settles down beside him.  
  
Even that small bit of activity exhausts Changmin – he leans against Yunho and closes his eyes, breathing labored and uneven. Yunho wraps his arms around him and waits for it to pass, prays for it to pass, and after a while Changmin opens his eyes again.  
  
“This is nice,” he says. He points up at the sky and the expanse of stars that was rarely visible in the light and pollution of Seoul. Changmin’s finger traces a constellation towards the north. “Look. Cassiopeia.”  
  
Yunho smiles. “It’s the only constellation I ever bothered learning to pick out,” he admits and Changmin grins.  
  
“After I’m gone I want you to buy the naming rights to Cassiopeia and get them to name the alpha double stars after us. Then we’ll be immortal forever.”  
  
Yunho’s throat closes over. He swallows and nods. “Sure.”  
  
“Also I want you to take my ashes and climb the tallest mountain you can find and place me at the top of it. So I can watch the sunrise whenever I want,” Changmin continues.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“And buy an island in my name. I always wanted to do that, just never got around to it. You can take vacations on it.”  
  
Yunho’s just nodding on automatic now. “Can do.”  
  
“And go bear hunting in Alaska. I hear it’s dangerous but thrilling and I always wanted to try it.”  
  
Yunho starts to nod, then stops halfway. “Su – what? No! Stop using your death to make me promise outrageous things!” he scowls at the top of Changmin’s head. Changmin laughs and turns to grin at him.  
  
“If I can’t exploit you now, then when?” he asks, somewhat pertinently. Yunho grumbles and shifts around to get more comfortable.  
  
“You are an incorrigible brat, I hope you know that.”  
  
“I do know that,” Changmin admits, shameless to a fault. “But you love me anyway.”  
  
“I do,” Yunho says softly. “I do love you Changminnie. I love you so much.”  
  
Changmin swallows and turns in his arms to face him. “There’s still so much I wanted to do, you know? Like have my own family and stuff. I’ll never know what that feels like, to be a husband or a father.”  
  
Yunho sighs and rests his chin on Changmin’s head. “I know baby,” he whispers. Changmin doesn’t protest the endearment this time.  
  
“You’ll have to do all that for me now. Get married to some strong, beautiful woman. Actually I don’t really care if she’s strong or beautiful – just make sure she’s kind.”  
  
Yunho smiles into Changmin’s hair. “I promise she’ll be very kind.”  
  
“I was going to be your best man,” Changmin continues mournfully. “I would’ve been the best best man ever.”  
  
“I’ll leave the position empty in your honour.”  
  
“You better, otherwise I’ll come back and haunt whoever you pick in my place,” Changmin sniffs. Yunho chuckles.  
  
“A cursed best man spot. Now nobody will want the job.”  
  
Changmin makes a satisfied sound and curls up closer against him.  
  
“I want you to live a really long and happy life, okay? Because you’ll have to live twice as hard, for the both of us. And after you’ve made all your cute little Jung babies, whether it’s two or twenty five, I want you to tell them about their Uncle Changmin, who wanted so badly to meet them all.”  
  
Yunho is fairly certain he can physically feel his heart breaking in his chest, but he soldiers on for Changmin’s sake.  
  
“I’ll name one of them Max for you,” he says.  
  
“Don’t do that, the other kids will all tease him for having a weird foreign name,” Changmin protests.  
  
“Overcoming difficulties in childhood will help make him a stronger man.”  
  
“You are going to be a terrible father.”  
  
Yunho bursts out laughing, and he can feel Changmin giggling against him.  
  
“Do you know, you may be the only person to ever say that to me?” he says.  
  
“It’s because I’m the only person who truly knows you. Poor little Max. I shudder to think of the things you would’ve subjected our kids to.”  
  
“ _Our kids_ ,” Yunho laughs, rocking Changmin against him. “You know, if you had been a woman I would have married the crap out of you.”  
  
Changmin snorts. “What makes you think I would’ve wanted to marry  _you?_ ”  
  
“Changmin,” Yunho indicates himself. “Look at me. Look at how handsome my face is. You are literally using me as a human body pillow right now. I just sprang you out of hospital, risking the eternal wrath of your family and quite possibly some jail time. I am the most amazing boyfriend ever and we’re not even dating.”  
  
Changmin’s laughter makes a startled bird take flight from a nearby branch. He turns around and whacks Yunho’s chest.  
  
“You are so full of it!”  
  
“If by it you mean love, then yes. And it’s all for you baby.”  
  
Changmin falls over in a wriggling pile of blankets and giggles.  
  
“You need to stop doing that,” he laughs.  
  
“Doing what? Calling you baby?” Yunho grins. “But you love it baby. ‘Cause you’re my baby, baby.”  
  
“Are you demented?” Changmin gasps out.  
  
“Demented on loooove,” Yunho sings. He falls on Changmin and tickles him until Changmin is almost crying of laughter and squealing for mercy. Their laughter dies moments later when a heaving, gasping coughing fit takes Changmin and they break apart as he struggles to breathe. Yunho rubs his back and tries not to panic at the feeling of utter uselessness that overtakes him as he watches Changmin double over clutching his chest.  
  
“Breathe, just breathe,” he urges. “It’s okay, it’s okay Changminnie.”  
  
“Fuck,” Changmin rasps out once it passes. Yunho gives him water and he gulps it down with a nod of thanks. “So. Tickle fight. Probably not so advisable right now,” Changmin manages at last.  
  
Yunho chuckles nervously and settles back down beside him. “Duly noted. Sorry about that.”  
  
“Forget it,” Changmin shakes his head. “It was good. Made me feel normal again for a bit. Though the ending left something to be desired. What were we talking about?”  
  
“We were talking about what a pretty girl you’d make,” Yunho says. He takes Changmin’s face in his hands and squishes his cheeks together until his eyes disappear and his mouth become fish-like. “My cute Chamiko,” Yunho coos.  
  
“How did I never know about your weird obsession with making me female?” Changmin asks, words muffled through fish lips. Yunho grins and lets him go.  
  
“I just think you’re cute no matter what. You were a cute kid too. Always running to me with your problems.”  
  
Changmin laughs breathlessly. “’Yunho hyung Yunho hyung, Jaejoong hyung hit me again!’” He mimics his younger self. “‘Yoochunnie hyung ate all my food, do something!’ God I was annoying, I don’t know how you put up with me.”  
  
“I loved it,” Yunho curls his arms around Changmin again and holds him close. “I loved how much you needed me. Made me feel like a real man or something.”  
  
“Remember the time Junsu read my diary and I punched him in the face and you were the only one who took my side? I think that was the exact moment when I fell in love with you.”  
  
Yunho laughs at the memory. “Jaejoong was so mad I thought he was going to have a stroke. ‘Junsu’s face is the moneymaker Changmin, how could you be so stupid? Who cares about your stupid diary? What if his nose is broken? What if he can’t sing!’”  
  
“And Junsu was just sitting in the corner saying ‘I’m fine, I’m fine!’”  
  
“But of course nobody paid any attention to him.”  
  
“Except Yoochun,” they both say at the same time, and dissolve into giggles.  
  
“I think Jaejoong was actually more pissed off about the fact that I was defending you than that you’d punched Junsu,” Yunho says after they’ve calmed down. “He was all ‘you’re just saying that so he’ll keep hero-worshipping you! You just wait for the day he realizes you’re only human.’ Which day was that then?”  
  
Changmin smiles a smile of pure satisfaction. “It never happened. How does that song go? Did you ever know~ that you’re my heeeero~”  
  
“Now who’s full of it?” Yunho laughs.  
  
“You’re my Superman hyung. I’ll be your Lois Lane.”  
  
“Let’s be honest, you’re more of a Lex Luthor,” Yunho says, albeit quite fondly. Changmin wrinkles his nose.  
  
“I would look terrible with no hair.”  
  
“Then just be grateful it’s not cancer you’ve got.”  
  
Changmin’s smile fades at the reminder of why they’re here and what’s happening to him. He shifts, the I.V stand clanking beside them. They had almost pulled his drip off in their scuffle earlier and Changmin adjusts the needle in his hand while Yunho silently kicks himself for an idiot.  
  
“Sorry,” he says. “I know you wanted to come here to try and forget . . .”  
  
Changmin smiles a sad little smile and looks away. “Maybe it’s time to just accept it already. We can’t run forever.”  
  
Yunho sighs. After a while Changmin turns in his arms so they’re facing each other and he’s kneeling between Yunho’s legs.  
  
“You should invite them to my funeral. Jaejoong and co,” he says.  
  
“Seriously?” Yunho says incredulously. Changmin shrugs.  
  
“Why not. They were a big part of my life once. They should get to say goodbye.”  
  
“I think they already did that,” Yunho quips. Changmin punches his shoulder.  
  
“You know what I mean. People need closure, right?”  
  
Yunho looks away, the lump in his throat swelling until he can barely speak. “Right,” he whispers.  
  
Changmin knows. Changmin knows his every thought and feeling, sometimes before even Yunho does. He cups Yunho’s face in his hands and forces him to meet his eyes.  
  
“Will you promise me something?” he asks quietly. Yunho nods.  
  
“Anything.”  
  
“Promise me you won’t let your grief take you after I’m gone. Promise me you’ll move on with your life, and be happy again, and one day remember me without crying.”  
  
Tears well and spill over Yunho’s cheeks, staining Changmin’s fingers. He looks down and shakes his head. Changmin grits his teeth.  
  
“Promise me!” he demands.  
  
“I can’t,” Yunho whispers. “I can’t promise you that.”  
  
“You’re going to deny the last wish of a dying man?” Changmin says quietly. Yunho bites into his lower lip to muffle his sobs and just keeps shaking his head, and this time Changmin holds him until he quietens. Eventually Yunho sniffs and nods.  
  
“Okay. I promise,” he mumbles. Changmin smiles.  
  
“Good. Now kiss me. I want to kiss someone one last time before I die and it might as well be you.”  
  
Yunho gives a wet little laugh and wipes his face. He retrieves tissues from the car and blows his nose before settling down beside Changmin again. Changmin looks at him expectantly and Yunho smiles and reaches out for him.  
  
“Come here,” he says. Changmin shuffles into his arms and smiles up at him, his big brown eyes wide and sweet and trusting. Yunho cups his cheek, dips his head and kisses him. It’s just a brief, soft press of their lips together, but Changmin closes his eyes and leans into it with a sigh, one hand rising to curl in Yunho’s hair.  
  
“Do it properly you big girl,” he mumbles.  
  
Yunho kisses him properly.  
  
At the end of it when they pull apart Changmin is flushed and dazed. He touches his kiss-swollen lips and smiles and smiles and looks so content it would be impossible to tell he’s dying if not for the pallor of his skin and his labored breathing.  
  
“Again,” Changmin falls on him and Yunho’s laughter gets muffled against his mouth. They kiss until the rest of the world fades away and Yunho is intimately aware of every part of Changmin pressed against him and the heat of his breath and the frailty of his wasted frame. They’ve always been close but never like this, yet it doesn’t matter that they’re not lovers, that they both like women, that their previous kisses have all been purely friendly or while drunk. There’s nothing friendly about the soft little moans Changmin makes into his mouth now, or the heat in his gaze when they eventually draw apart and stare at each other.  
  
“I’m going to say something now, and I want you to listen carefully because I’ll never say it again,” Changmin says. Yunho can only nod mutely.  
  
“I love you,” Changmin breathes out. “I love you in every way it’s possible to love another person – platonically, romantically, unconditionally. And I don’t care how weird that sounds, because if loving you is weird then I don’t want to be normal.”  
  
Yunho wants to die. He wishes he were dying instead of Changmin.  
  
“I wish I was the one dying,” he says, his voice coming out hollow and distant.  
  
Fear and anger flashes in Changmin’s eyes. “Don’t say that,” he growls. “Don’t you ever say that.”  
  
They slide lower on the blankets until they’re lying down and Yunho wraps himself around Changmin and buries his face in his neck.  
  
“Don’t leave me Changmin-ah,” he whispers. “Please don’t leave me.”  
  
“It’s okay,” Changmin murmurs soothingly. “Shh, it’s okay . . .”  
  
Night wraps around them, lighter now that the dawn is fast approaching. After a while Yunho lifts his head and sees that Changmin has fallen asleep. The bag of I.V fluid is almost empty. He shifts slightly, pulling Changmin closer against him and Changmin murmurs in his sleep.  
  
“Wake me when the sun rises,” he mumbles. Yunho nods and presses closer still, as though he can somehow transfer the strong, steady beat of his own heart into Changmin’s weak, uneven one.  
  
Yunho’s eyes flutter. Exhaustion drags at him. He wants to sleep, but he has to stay awake so he can wake Changmin up for the sunrise. If he stays awake Changmin might live a little longer. He has to . . .  
  
\- - -  
  
Changmin jerks awake from a strange dream.  
  
After a few seconds he glances up. Dawn light is starting to turn the sky pink and gold. The I.V is all gone, and Changmin checks that the needle is still in Yunho’s arm.  
  
“Hyung,” he says, voice raspy with sleep. “Wake up.”  
  
He shakes Yunho, noting the way the weak light makes the sunken angles of his face look gaunter than ever.  
  
“Yunho, come on. The sun’s rising. You wanted to see the sunrise,” Changmin shakes him harder, but Yunho won’t open his eyes. Changmin starts to cry, the inevitable truth that’s been chasing him all night crashing down on him.  
  
“Yunho. Hyung please,” he sobs. He gathers Yunho’s frail body in his arms and rocks him against himself, hot tears splashing onto Yunho’s cheek.  
  
But Yunho is completely still and silent in his arms, long gone where Changmin can’t follow him.  
  
  



End file.
